The countertop grew cluttered in a jumbled assortment of cosmetics and seltzer cans. We cram into the vanity room full of stacked mirrors, playing dress-up like glamorous girls feeling unapologetically vain. A perfectly posed mirror selfie gets posted after four retakes. I bask in this cool-girl-congregation we call female friendship, so strangely comforting and magically simple. I live in a house full of women who laugh with their entire bodies rather than muffle their giggles in between second-guesses and “sorries.” I peacefully exist in loud walls of women who take up space in crowded rooms and devour every droplet of unrequited youth.
The role I have made for myself makes me laugh and smile with subtleties of sadness. I taught myself how to play the part of a party girl because I like to feel close to people. We all link arms and walk in a womanly wolf pack to a familiar place (down the street). Shuffling through the filth and rancid smells, I throw my arms around the girls that I saw the night before. We exchange squeals between compliments on each other’s outfits although it is too dark to see. Right now, the superficiality does not feel shallow at all. Our giant smiles feel radiant and feminine, our outfits feel extravagant and bright, this party almost feels pure. When the rhythm of the night syncs up with the rhythm of my overactive brain and I finally know all the lyrics of the same old song, the chaos can even feel romantic.
Over thirty beautiful women sharing a beautiful home, late-night snacks and budding inside jokes. I washed my face extensively but my eyeliner remained intact. My roommate read my astrological chart as we effortlessly bounce between girl talk and real talk. We bond over beauty standards and bad sides and good laughs and being scared of the dark. Being scared of an unattended solo cup and walking home at night and what people may say when you leave the room. Simultaneously scared and scarred from being compared, the selflessness of girlhood has never felt more secure. It is dazzling, I am tired, but it is more than enough for now.